I found my crush's facebook page. And his wife's. Apparently they are still in love. Of all the people to have happy marriages! Fuck, I'm depressed.
yea i came on her face and told her to bring a snorkel next time
Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?
Ps. I feel like I may pee myself this weekend. Either drunkenly or out of excitement. Toss up
it was like lady and the tramp only with a jello shot on the pool table
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
he came in the room wearing gloves & rapping while eating a corndog
knight in shining armor
He thought you were kidding about me peeing on my ex...and then I was like "that was one time"
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
she doesn't even know what year it is. She just stumbles around life with a bottle of rum
If I take one more surprise finger up the ass this week there will be hell to pay.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
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