Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
did we hook up?
no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt
after a month anything with tits is on the radar
False alarm it was margarita mix all over my hands not blood
A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.
You stole my camera, took a picture of yourself and said "that's beautiful, just as beautiful as our waitress".
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
Ski vacations are for hooking up with randoms. It's like I don't even know you
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
Oh my god. We just got locked out of our cabin and went to the neighbor's to see if they had a key and caught the neighbor jerking it. My night > your night
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
Please don't give away my fajitas
I'm going to go ahead and refrain from sexting you in an airport that is currently at a "level orange" security threat.
The strippers who live across the street set up a decently professional stage on their front balcony and a banner for a go fund me... I think we're gonna get a show.
Randomize
