mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
Dont worry, she is sitting right next to me. She is making it clear she wants to scissor
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
He put chocks of wood in front of his doors to stop me from leaving. I'm not nearly drunk enough for that to be appropriate behaviour.
She walks around topless and loves making sandwiches. That's how a one-night stand turned intoa relationship
I know I come to this conclusion on a fairly regular basis but I really do need a babysitter
Please don't buy a buttplug. It won't fill the empty space in your heart.
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
You know, I'm starting to enjoy brazilians. One day I'm going to make a therapist very very happy.
Randomize
