he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
Rachel and his cat watched us 69 last night. I pretended to be embarrassed the next day... But to be honest I like an audience
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
THE MAINTENANCE MEN WERE DOWN STAIRS AND I THOUGHT THEY WERE MY MOM. I'VE BEEN YELLING 'GRILL ME A CHEESE' AT THEM FOR HALF AN HOUR
I'm a professor! I can't be caught chasing the liquor with you hooligans once the undergrads have seen my face
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I NEED A MOM FRIEND. NOW.
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
Life's hard when you can't differentiate between retrograde and PMS
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
