The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles
he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life
He had a 99.9% chance of getting laid...until he started cutting down the frat's volleyball nets with his pocket knife.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.
Would jacking off with Benadryl cream be good or bad for the poison oak on my dick?
Found some boxer briefs on my patio table this morning surrounded by a case worth of empties. Starting to remember why I have rugburn and a sore asshole.
I ate a hotdog off the ground last night.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
Randomize
