OMg patrick swayze is the sexuest man he is killing me I'm gonna get dehydrated if I don't stop looking at him
vicodin is the reason why I believe in magic
I should never bitch about not getting laid. He's begging me to come over and I'm saying no because I'm watching a Golden Girls marathon.
trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Since your rent is paid til the first, we decided to use your apartment as the beer pong room. We apologize in advance for losing your security deposit.
Shes 18 and still has a curfew. it was great. didnt have to worry about her still being here in the morning.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
At one point, he came in to give her a pep talk, and then after he left, she just kept whispering his name into the toilet between heaves.
I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.
The whole time we were hanging out my vagina was yelling at me like its a real live penis that wants to have sex with us what are you doing
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
If sandwichs had dicks, my life would be complete
He corrected my spelling during sexting.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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