i just realized i have an entire drawer dedicated to the clothes of guys ive shacked with...
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.
Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.
you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever
but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
I slipped on a piece of pizza last night and when the bouncer helped me up I told him the garbage can pushed me.
He's been watching the World Cup too much because right before he came he screamed "NUT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" for half a minute. Our landlord is not happy.
Im quite confident that my struggle with sobriety ended last night sometime after dinner
As we were walking to her place she stole a pizza from the delivery guy's car and when we got home she grabbed a slice, two beers, removed her pants, and said "call of duty?" im going to marry her
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Last time i cooked this high i tried to makw bacon amd then burned myselfbon the grill, only to realize 25min latwr when the bacon wouldnt cook that the grill wasn't on. I IMAGINED the burn.
Randomize
