sorry i'm running a bit late. had to shave my brittney...was looking more like rapunzel. clearly i've been having a drought.
Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
It's funny because every time I go up and down the stairs it's an adventure. A A DRUNK ADVENTURE. PS I ALREADY THREW UP WTF
Bro, if we got a house, it'd basically be a revolving door for slightly overweight, but extra cute, sexually deviant girls with daddy issues.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
do you think eating a burger while having sex counts as multitasking skills?
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Hahahaha. He sent me a dick snap in the lululemon stockroom. What is life. If this works out, this could benefit everyone....
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I don't want to spend an inordinate amount of time with you, I want to have sex with you. Duhhhhhh.
I am not even ashamed to say it, I got laid in the stairwell of the hotel, by a 29 year old. It was awesome!
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