dude i feel like shit
well u did eat a lot of play-doh
A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.
Pizza is the life boat of my drunk Titanic
So Ryan had to wash the dishes. His solution: take a shower with them. I'm never eating at his house again.
only you would end up drunk at a subway with a one-eyed homeless man
Well he just said "there's glass on the floor and it's okay I'm only bleeding out of my esophagus" so yes he's tripping
if all that ever happens for the rest of forever is drinking wine and eating popcorn, ill be okay
anyone who texts me today gets a complimentary picture of my mangled foot. starting with you.
ewwwww wtf when you left last night you were fine?
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
Don't send me heart emojis when you're jacking off.
so, i guess i gotta chill on showing up to work hungover... someone anonymously left a bible in my work mailbox (no one else got one)
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
Randomize
