70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Sometimes when i'm at a cross roads in life, i think about what i would want my lifetime movie to show what i did
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
He's throwing up in my bed and I'm not even getting fucked for this
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
I literally just smashed open my grade school piggy bank for beer money. Goodbye childhood. Hellllllo coin night.
How do I put this... You're dating Ricky from Trailer Park Boys. Stop eye-fucking him and actually listen to what he says for once. He actually said "I self-learned that myself, basically" while rolling a joint. He's worse than your unskilled magician ex that accidentally cut off three of his own fingers
Is it okay that we fucked on my car hood, in his driveway, at 4 am with cars passing by ?
I just made deviled eggs for everyone not passed out. Im officially becoming a drunk chef.
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
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