Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I swear to god Kristen, if this "cute" guy you are trying to hook up with's friend asks me if we can role play, and I play his mother one more time, Im leaving. You have 3 minutes to save me or I am out.
She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
I just found out via Facebook that my old dorm room is now the free condom distribution room on campus...IT'S LIKE THE UNIVERSE KNOWS!
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
I dropped her off at home and her fiancé was shitty, it was 4:30 am. I told him I was the Uber driver
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
I was just giving a mobile app demo to a client, on my iPhone, when a reminder alert appeared across the page blinking "12pm: go home and give John head". You're an asshole
Hahaha oops.
i keep smelling vagina and donuts, which pretty much sumarises this morning. happy birthday.
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
My horoscope should say: you're an alcoholic, get help today, Pisces
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