Idk if this white stuff in my shower is conditioner or... something else?
Having dinner with my dad, watching the news and some AIDS prevention ad comes on. My dad then kindly informs me that he doesn't enjoy the feel of condoms.
Playing drinking games to Nancy Grace totally counts as "keeping up with current events.."
You only like me because I'm a challenge
You already blew me
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
Okay. We're coming naked. We need Saran wrap and plastic forks.
It's a delicate game of how much porn can I look at without the other interns noticing.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
My day went from bad to worse when I realized I puked out my second floor window last night.
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
Get ready for me I'm full of tequila and I want to be full of you next
Randomize
