I'm not a real person
I'm sorry, everyone knows that
He just left - my room smells like that cheese they put on nachos and cigarettes and beef
Yo quero taco bell
i felt like we were having sex on ultimate fighter, and people on the outside kept yelling ELBOW ELBOW! KNEES KNEES!
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
The main motivators in my life are my sex drive and spite
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
Randomize
