she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out
youve hit the jackpot
you had a panic attack, pissed yourself, and started crying. you never go above the kiddie level of my lil bros schools haunted house ever again.
round 2?
EVER.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
You're having sex and i just smoked and made oatmeal...i'll give you some time to be jealous
If you dedicate your next bite to me, I'll dedicate my first orgasm to you.
just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June
After my date left I rallied and took the Asian girl home. Flexibility my friend.
This hickey is now green and covers half my neck. I have an alien hickey. I think he thought my neck was dinner.
Thanks for the hickies, asshole. I make my living as a fitness instructor. It's gonna look reeeeeeal weird if I have to wear a scarf while teaching Zumba all week.
Woohoo! Instead of a pregnancy test you can buy me a burrito
gin. gin. Gin. GIN GIN GINGINFFdJH
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
Is it too forward if I ask him to bring a condom when he comes over to work on our project?
A girl just managed to steal a whole gallon of ice cream. I'm letting her go because that is impressive.
Randomize
