I feel like our house is getting pulled over.
dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'
needless to say i wont be back home tonight
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
Sundays have taken on a whole new meaning when I'm not in bed with an excruciating hangover.
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
We had sex in the bathroom. Then he told me I could watch him pee.
A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz
We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.
Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.
So when does your new flight leave?
At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying
All I'm saying is that your next houseguest had better not barge in on me in the shower demanding I wash the stolen dye from his hair. I'm not doing that a second time.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
I don't know if I'm more disturbed by the fact that you hooked up with a dude with one arm, or that "hook up with a dude with one arm" was on your bucket list.
I remember her making the first martini but the rest of the weekend is a blur of vodka, high heels and sex toys.
First time being used by a cougar. Definitely okay with it
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