I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
We found an eightball on the ground last night. I mean, really, who does that?
my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
who the fuck is meatball and why is he telling you to nap on the bar
The cl.oudds are foaming a really big pen.Is OMG.
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