I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.
Is it wierd that I kind of wish I could hang out with Melissa Joan Hart?
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
On a separate note, I just found out some condoms aren't vegan. Problem.
Hahahaha I can't wait for you to ask "wait. are there any animal by products in that?"
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
WTF moment this morning: we were getting ready to leave and he reaches under his mattress to pull out his gun. All I could do was look at him and go "really?!"
Opened my notebook to coke all over the pages. So, if that's any indication on how this weekend went.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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