I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I think this baby is eyeing my beer
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Why is there a frozen condom filled with water in my freezer?
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I was going to try being motivated today. But then I took a hit while still in bed.
He told me to be a woman and make him dinner. So I threw a bagel at him and went out to dinner.
He's so sweet...I can't see him enjoying that I got injured during sex.
I woke up with a pillow, shampoo and a plant in my fridge. Eggs in the toilet, and I was wearing three pairs of girls underwear. What happened last night
Rich men love me! I remind them of their trophy wife!!!
Randomize
