I cant talk right now they are about to fuck again
and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.
Just woke up in a hotel next to a 38 year old mom who's married... I think Spring Break has started
What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house
Just had a dream about an abnormally large bottle of tequila. No more depressed drinking for me.
He barely got in the door before she began to shriek like a banshee and punch him. His rainbow wig is still hanging from the front porch as a "warning to all other clowns".
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Apparently I made a stripper cry last night when I paid her $10 to go away
Apparently it's illegal to hit pedestrians with coke cans... But the cop complimented my arm. That's a win in my book.
Just had to kick my 26 yr old boyfriend out of my bed before getting the kids up for school. Have I mentioned being 41 doesn't suck as much as all the hype.
You know you were way drunk when you wake up at 7 AM halfway on a couch, tangled in a sheet with your shoes still on.
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
I got my gum stuck on his balls.
So I scratched the whole boyfriend plan and got wasted. Wanna try again tomorrow?
Randomize
