Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
why is it that no matter what your novelty license plate says it always screams "im a huge tool"?
just so you know, the uglier twin gives better bjs..don't be deceived
I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.
I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."
so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.
he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.
Shit. We're going to have to drink until they're cute
Hello cirrhosis
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
In hindsight combining orgy Thursday with mystery drink madness was begging for failure
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
I feel like we need to find him and explain that if the two of them would just fuck he'd understand.
he pissed the bed, like I literally woke up and he was pissing right beside me. With the electric blanket he's lucky he didn't get electrocuted
So i came so hard i almost passed out, where has this vibrator been all my life?
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