They should really pass out barf bags in church
Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.
When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.
Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.
Just puked up hair, tacos and vodka. Hello Memorial Day weekend.
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof
They're waiting for you to die
Just discovered i ordered the nhl center ice package back in september, the operator said there was a note next to the time I called, indicating I may have been intoxicated while calling (no clue why but it was noted)...meaning I was drunk...meaning ill never miss another sabres game...i love me and am beaming with self pride
I should make a collage of all the pictures of me caught doing slutty things
Dad got stoned the other day and bought us potty training seats for when we have children
I needed to bring way more fireball to class to match this professors intensity
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
And for the record I didn't even have sex last night. I threw up in his toilet and slept in his bed until noon
Can you see if my straightener is in your refrigerator?
Yes. Its here..
Randomize
