maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
Captain Phil from deadliest catch died... im trying to think of a memorial fb status but "ill miss your crabs" doesnt sound right
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.
FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
So your best guy friend eats your pussy once and a while, no big deal. It's like going to jiffy lube once and a while to let the professionals do it. Your husband should understand .
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
I assume some self respect is too lofty of a gift idea
honestly if there were pictures of last night i would be embarrassed.... im embarrassed without pictures
I think I was judged by a squirrel this morning during the walk...
the people in front of me have a grocery cart in their car... i missed college...
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