My New Years Resolution was to get a girl I dont know pregnant. 8 months later I can check that off the list..
Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
i hope youre ready for a shit show because we just ordered a whole pitcher of red headed sluts
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
Halfway through she said I was exactly like she imagined. So many things have been stroked this night.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
Throwing up while listening to NPR because I’m trying to adult through this hangover
Randomize
