awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?
you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
why is jon gosselin on the news 24/7 for dating some new lady?? how bout I get on msnbc for not getting laid since forever ago
i think guys who wear condoms are gentleman.
and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
I am a good friend because I got you a bagel. I am a bad friend because I ate half of it.
Well he was mad because I chose tequila over him. He obviously doesn't understand that he will always be second to my first true love.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
Hey, taking organic chemistry means no one is allowed to tell you you're partying too hard.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
they were drunk. and loud. and now they're drunk and quiet. or dead, you never know.
when I finally sobered up enough to get out of bed this morning I went to talk to mom and forgot that I had TITS written in big letters on both my hands. I love drinking games.
I got subtly pornographic with a lollipop while we were talking and he got flustered and started to blush. If he’s not interested after that I need to turn in my vagina card.
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