1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.
A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja
My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"
stuck in traffic next to occupy boston. smells like patchouli and unshaven pubes
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
I think he's speaking German to me now
Nevermind, he's just drunk and not texting properly
It was at the same house, but a different party, when lesbians set me on fire. So there's that.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Bumble is fuckin insane here. I'm going to break a hip.
Sorry I've been a slutty nightmare this week
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I may or may not have been feeling patriotic and banged Captain America in a closet. SPOILER ALERT: We broke his shield
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