When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
There is a mermaid on oprah and she looks nothin like ariel
Nah, lets use your guy, my drug dealer is going all pineapple express on me
it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.
guess they didn't have any donuts in her size.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
She's impossible to please. Other than with two fingers and a tongue.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
90% sure I just sold adderall to my professor
100% proud
I choose my mates solely based on size and ability. No cuddles. No sleep overs. Definitely no repeats.
Oh! I forgot to tell you. Part of that weird ass dream last night. I was jamie lee curtis and I cut off all my hair because yogurt.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
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