I remember having a drink with vegetables in it. They said it was a mojito, but it tasted like cabbage.
haha i love mojitos
ya and i hate cabbage
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.
they still hired me even though my background check came back with a warrent for my arrest.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
You kept saying you only wanted to drink until you were sleepy. You succeeded if "sleepy" means you sleepied around with 4/6 of the guys there.
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
I feel like there should be a 'roommate information section' of the paperwork when there's a chance you'll be given pain killers.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
One of the Mormon boys that comes to the door is really sexy and I always think 'I would absolutely destroy your faith'
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