Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.
woman puking in liquor store parking lot at 9:30 on a tuesday morning = best commute ever.
I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.
I mean...he was throwing up for almost 3 consecutive hours. I don't think there's a chance in hell that would have tasted even close to tolerable.
she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now
Whos eating a bunch of acid and watching fireworks tomorrow? This guy. Thats who.
For sure. Gotta go. Building an igloo.
At least your vagina gets to vagina again. Dust that thing off.
I will be the DD but everyone has to call me Mistress
I swear if you help me with this I will eat you out and buy you all the Taco Bell you want.
I hope you have your own chainsaw cause I didn’t buy one for you. It was a gross oversight on my part
i forgot how loud opening a beer is in a house where your not allowed to drink
Randomize
