i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.
When my girlfriend drinks sangria it's like winning the vagina lottery
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
oh btw spread eagle is not an appropriate phrase to use in a scientific presentation. learned that the hard way
I'm drinking bacardi out of her mom's eco-green starbucks mug and chasing it with her sister's "for track only" vitamin water. Hello suburbia
Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.
He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
just got caught singing "pop that pussy" by a very old man at work. *face palm*
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I just described cereal to my mother as "acoustic breakfast soup".
who is this
He broke both of his legs jumping out of a window to escape a coyote.
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