Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.
also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.
I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?
Fuck you.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
So last night I kicked a beer can off of a frat guys head and it nailed one of my sisters in the face. Think i'll be brought up on standards?
Dear god. Please. Please do NOT deprive yourself of dick for 90 days. Blood will spill. Wolverines will howl. I can't handle that kind of terror.
PS: bike ride of shame at 7am includes riding by kids waiting for the school bus #classy
the night literally screamed "cock and ball torture"
you're welcome to come here, except my beds from ikea so it's more unstable than i am
Sorry I steam cleaned at 1:30 in the morning and that i'm such a drunk dumb child. On the bright side, my carpet has ever looked better.
We'll handle his penis the same way we handle day drinking; together.
i haven't seen you in two years and we have like 16 hours, all i want is cuddles, wine, and some light groping
Randomize
