Ok walking to car, 3 gay guys park get out of car, one on phone says 'I dont know but I was definately getting some curb rubbing'
Now that I'm the boss, there's nobody to yell at me for smelling like a bar in the morning.
The kid in front of me is videochatting and typing to his gf. I should make poop/sex faces over his shoulder, right?
Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.
Yeah she is in it for the money, wait til she finds out i am broke and the sex doesnt get better
I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"
We were all definitely blackout with drunk goggles on, even though you and Amanda were the only ones dressed up as it.
I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.
I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...
In the bath trying to absorb water through my skin because I can't drink it.. That hungover
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
And I just want you to know I got myself into this mess. I gotta get myself out. Plus, don't you only need one kidney?
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
Wanna go get tea? Warning: I will be high in an hour.
She said cowgirls can can pee standing up and proceeded to pull up her dress and drop her underwear.
Randomize
