She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....
Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.
Marry him. Now.
No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.
I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
Just screamed wow while using my vibrator.. new low
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
He said 'I really struggle with the sin of lust' then we proceeded to have sex. So I guess it was a perfectly executed Catholic pick up line?
idk what to be more embarrassed/confused about, that i lost my underwear or that i woke up covered in fried rice
I should be in a better mood, I just went home and had a quickie on my lunch break.
I had a sandwich.
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
