So explain to me again how you wake up next to a Brazilian model and I wake up next to a turkey sub? And a jar of grey poupon.
come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?
Disasters an understatement. Hurricane alpha chi omega hit. On my way to buy carpet cleaner, super glue, and a new liver. Be back soon.
Like I'm getting finger banged and my family is making cookies in the kitchen. Talk about terrifying
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
I don't drink nearly as much when I'm coupled, and that's not a lifestyle I can commit to
It's not vacation until I get called "disgustinly sexy" by an fat woman whose older than my mother.
I found Erin. She's getting a back massage from the coat check boy and drinking all his whiskey.
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
I found out he hated a girl that I hate so I fucked him. My reasons for fucking guys are getting bad.
I just had to explain my bite marks to my allergy doctor when she gave me my shots...You're the best <3
its Niagara falls. its like international waters. You can get away with anything there
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