Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
Thats the last time I go out drinking with my Irish friends. Two shots of flaming sambucca = bar on fire. I was only trying to high five the barman.
Everything about him screamed your future.
how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
Some clips from last night: grinded like I haven't since college. Took shots with a bartender with a bad ass mustache. Made up a string of lies with fake names and occupations. Slept behind the couch with pizza in my hand
Would it be weird if your parents sold me weed?
My new roommate just announced that she got her period, popped a percoset, smoked a bowl, and started playing a video game. She says she's not moving till it's over. New hero?
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
Once you've had an oral std scare, you're an expert.
You gotta do what you gotta do. Like how I gotta drive in the rain to go get chicken nuggets. I just gotta.
you told me you wanted to be a soccer mom with a high tolerance then you put the bottle to your face
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
