Spotted: Pepto Bismol pink Scion with Ed Hardy sticker on front window, air freshener, and seat covers. Total Douchette Mobile.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???
Oh God.
Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
Well I don't think you can suck his dick while he's making pizza. I think that goes against some health codes.
I think its awesome that i just got you to cheer for sex
Well sex is awesome. Sex deserves cheers.
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
