In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
you'd think he'd be slightly more humble with a penis that small
so last night my mother drunkenly told me that maybe the reason why I want to be a vet was because I was conceived doggy style.
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
We had sex this morning and after she goes, " So are we going to do something for Valentines Day?"
don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
where are you?
Hypothermia
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Whatever you didn't send me pics of you topless making bacon
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
Ehh, the third backed out. Two still isn't bad. Who gets a bootycall to pick them up from a bootycall's house anyways? Only me.
Dick pics just aren’t doing it for me, this bowl of Mac n cheese and Game of Thrones trump you tenfold
Randomize
