I failed the drunk obstacle course of trying to find my bed... consolation prize... a sore ankle and "disappointed' parents.
Do you think they'll have a special part during the BET awards for Michael Jackson even though he turned white?
Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
im pretty sure the clearest way to say "dont worry, im not emotionally attached" was by sleeping with his roommate the next night
You slammed your forties down on the table and yelled "I AM EDWARD FORTYHANDS" then mumbled something about repping Idaho like a champ and laid down on the couch.
I had to warn the neighbors
Warn them about what?! It's noon
"Pay no attention to me if at random points of the day I'm outside with kitty cat ears on" I'm a mess...
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
Preparing for the bar exam has made my whatever disorder you said I have act up again
Until you can top getting paid to have women tell you to check out their ass, my job will remain better than yours
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
My poor liver. I drank enough on NYE to sustain an alcohol addiction for the entirety of 2015.
He texts me "just to say hi" and then tells me how hard he is and sends me a dick pic. And I'm like, dude, I'm ordering a burrito right now
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
im in DESPERATE NEED OF A COMPANION RIGHT NOW I’M MOTHER FUCKING TRIPPING SOLID GOLD BALLS
Randomize
