Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.
Who leaves their car unlocked at night?
Someone who wants to read the newspaper.
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
I never thought your mom would see me throwing up on my hands and knees in your front yard
You handed J your Mayan-pocalypse shopping list and told him he wasn't getting laid unless he brought everything on it. Where is he supposed to get a live goat?!
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
it's not that I hate people, I just want to rip most of their faces off.
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Best neighbors ever! They found the guy ive been wanting as a booty call and got me invited to the party the guy was at and gave me alcohol so i could be tipsy when met him. im never moving.
I just walked in on her masturbating to a social anxiety video...
we woke up when the front wall of the house caught fire.
Randomize
