Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
1. No more tequila 2. Why do you let me say slutty things? 3. I woke up and our apartment was covered in cake? 4. Love you
I looked at my arm when I woke up..I guess after 8 tally marks I said fuck it and wrote "too much"
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
Managed to discreetly puke out of a moving streetcar window, in front of no less than a dozen people. Nobody saw/said anything. I feel like a legit local now.
Doing lines and watching a show on hot dogs around the world ... Why do I do this to myself
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
i made sure not to drool on your bed by putting my hoodie on backwards and swaddling my face in the hood
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
He came over and fucked me while my conference call was on mute. Working from home is the best.
We're in a hurricane and you send me a video of you playing with your dick while driving! You wanna die?!
I didn’t not spend thanksgiving morning making out with him in a diner parking lot
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