u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs
she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.
Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything
Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order
I wasn't that drunk, I know my limits. When peeing became difficult I stopped taking shots.
Of course the first guy who sees my nipple piercings is a Catholic from Nebraska who won't do anything but dry hump me.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
My mom comes home from her weekend with her lesbian co-workers and asks "You wanna know how I got these bruises?" I've never been more torn about anything EVER.
I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.
You don't have a cat...
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
DON NOT, UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES WATCH CLOWN PORN.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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