It wasn't long before I skipped the martini glass and went straight to drinking from the shaker.
Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.
forced to watch US open for father's day. only perk is discovering dustin johnson...reeeeally hoping that this golf sex addiction thing is contagious
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
It's been two days. I am still burping up jello. Everything tastes like jello. Everything smells like jello. I am DONE with jello shots.
SIMBAAAA REMEBER WHO YOU ARE
yeah but think of how much more hungover we'd be if we didn't steal those cookies
Is that a polar bear? You seriously grinded with a polar bear at the club?
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
You just missed an honest to god bukkake
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
Randomize
