First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?
have you ever been in a public bathroom and someone walked in, and you played "Fat or Crying" based on her breathing?
and then you started talkingabout how you wish birth control was disspensed as a candy necklace
Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
WHY ARE THERE NO BLACK EMOJIS? I CAN NEVER PROPERLY IDENTIFY MYSELF.
Who would've thought that Monopoly night would've ended with some girl peeing on the couch.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
Also CANADIAN LIPS TASTE OF MAPLE SYRUP AND APOLOGIES. SORRY.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
You know why I love being a regular at this bar? It's because at a certain point last call is only a suggestion.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Randomize
