I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
he was so drunk he doesn't remember anything. I have to break up with him all over again
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
after she rolled over and said 'i'm so glad you're like my gay best friend, love you' then left. did i just get friendzoned AFTER sex??
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...
So it's my mom's birthday and I wanted to be super cheap and just walk up to her and say "I got you the greatest gift ever, mom! I'm actually sober right now!".
learning about efficiency and effectiveness in an administration seminar. real world application: walking across the street to the pub on break to shotgun a beer.
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
They were shocked that I could handle my liquor so well. I'm half Irish and half Russian. This is what I'm made for
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