tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
And then she started grabbing onto random guys legs, asking their names, and if they wanted to be friends... Haha, I love when the girls my ex's are dating are total drunken whores.
in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"
positive spin of the day: since my nose is blocked from allergies cleaning the puke this morning was much easier
I'm on my fifth double. This night is getting better whether it likes it or not.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
i really need to shower, but i don't want to take off my bra and lose my cleavage. the struggle
the fact that i came three times was completely negated by the fact that he high-fived himself after.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
i just need to find someone who enjoys eating frozen waffles as much as I do. It will be perfect.
Knows all the good gay bars AND has a dog? Wtf can't I drop pizza on guys like that????
Well, if you're anything like me you'll get a lot of ass when you turn 30, so that's a plus
Like he's moved to LinkedIn creeping on me since he's blocked everywhere else & I'm just so confused does he think I'm going to post daily updates of my life on FUCKING LINKEDIN
Randomize
