This cookie i'm eating tastes like pizza. It was so worth contacting my sister for pot.
so i'm just gonna leave my credit card in your mailbox so you can bail me outta jail.. deal?
i just fucked the bartender on my cruise to get free alcohol. have things gone too far?
How sober do you have to be to donate blood?
One of the bamboo sticks broke and impaled him. I think he's drunk enough that it shouldn't hurt until tomorrow.
What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?
Her vagina devoured it.
The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I legit just woke up on my couch, snuggled up next to some guy who's wearing my roommate's pink bathroble. What the fuck do they put in those shots?
I need to reevaluate. My boss gave me drug money. I overslept on my couch. And I had my student teacher go to McDonald's and get an egg mcmuffin for me.
The highlight was when a stranger was nose to nose with you threatening to kick ur ass, and you said "Is that your real face? Stopped him dead.
Came home to my roommate drinking a 40 in the shower. Chugging with his hair still fully shampoo'd.
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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