you would pick up someone in the library
obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.
this will be a night to untag.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Goddamn you thin people LEAVE FOOD FOR THE BIGGER DRUNKARDS WHO NEED IT
Will you be super villain lesbian lovers with me for halloween?
Apparently I blamed my BAC on the Saint Louis Cardinals...how is that not a valid excuse?!
Just so you know.. If you ever cheat on me, i will cut your dick and fingers off and post them as my cover photo on Facebook. Love you.
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
Hey know anyone who wants 58 lbs of whole frozen chickens for a couple bowls?
I brought an already opened bag of trail mix from home to snack on today. Some motherfucker ate all the m&ms out of it. I hate my roommates
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
Randomize
