I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
That explains waking up with one hand in the toilet and the other in the trash can
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.
Sleeping with two different guys who share a driveway is getting increasingly challenging to keep secret
Do you want the something i can tell my mom in ten year version or the you're gonna call me a whore but be proud version?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.
Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.
I'm fucking a man old enough to be my father who is also dating my boss. What have you done with your life?
She touched my penis and started laughing. She did the same thing when she blew me.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I feel like I smell like bad decisions
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
Randomize
