i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?
He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.
yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic
i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.
I should have known our good time had gone to shit when his ankle bracelet started flashing.
I think that's the key to being an adult though... Get those rapid fire beer shits out I the way early, then you can go about your grown man business
Jesus told me in my dream not to go to the party. I am athiest for tonight PARTY ON
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.
Took pain meds with RumChata this morning. It's like morning milk but better
Something I can get at drive through, boobs out, don't want to get out of the car
The first time he ever tried to hold my hand, I moon walked away.
Had a moment of weakness, slept with my ex last night
So that's why our room smells like tequila and shame.
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Randomize
