dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
We can't be fuck buddies. You stare into my eyes while we fuck.
I worked so hard to shave everything last night. EVERYTHING. He WILL be answering my phone calls. Otherwise he's passing up awesome random birthday sex.
The guy who just got ate on True Blood had the same balls as you.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
So, I had a dream last night that involved you as an actual cloaked Captain America and a lot of weird sex, and I didn't hate it.
that game of battleshots got way too fucking intense. why does the couch have burn marks now.
My talents include parallel parking and over reacting about absolutely everything.. And drinking..
I 100% barfed while bumping the DMX remix of reading rainbow
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
Randomize
