Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.
I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
thanks for the bloody nose. you probably dont remember, i'm not mad.. only because your boobs are to blame
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
TURNS OUT they were both cheating. Like the Gift of the Magi except for shitty people
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
There’s a child, alone, sitting on a picnic table out there, making bird noises
Randomize
