I woke up under a table, with a huge Mexican sombrero, a box of 120 doughnuts and a bloody nose. It all screams success.
Only I would come home from a random banging with beer and watermelon
is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU
It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night
I BIT YOU IN THE DINING ROOM. I bit you and you crunched
Would fucking the college coach be against recruiting rules?
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Martha Stewart has had a one night stand and is unsure if she's had a threesome. I no longer feel slutty.
he bit THROUGH my nipple
plus side, no need to pay for a piercing.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
He literally just made me hold his dick while he peed cause he wanted to know if I could aim as good as him
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
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