he just put it in my mouth and said "go"
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
the upside of dating someone over 21: he can buy me a pregnancy test AND a bottle of wine when he goes to cvs for me
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
The squirrels are partying on my roof again. Now they're just rubbing it in that I'm home alone on a Saturday night and they're having orgies.
You just want to live out all your fuck fantasies with all these girls through me. I know your game. Well played sir.
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
I was desperate and wasn't about to let my cereal get soggy so I ate it on the toilet. Don't let me repeat last night.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
His 89 y/o father walked in on us. Judging by the gasp/moan, I don't think the 1920s prepared him to see another dude inside his son.
I was doing handstands in the jail cell and crying “IM A HIGH SCHOOL TEACHER AND IT’S CHRISTMAS EEEEEVE”
She could hold her breath for a long time. Best underwater blowjob ever.
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